What is a love-hate relationship? Is it healthy?
Love is indeed a beautiful thing, as we hear most people say.
Finding someone you cherish and adore so much makes this feeling very easy and lovely. The whole experience is magical, especially when this love is reciprocated by a special other.
When you are with this person, you begin to have butterflies in your stomach and you feel really alive.
And most times, when they are not close to you, you daydream about them. Yes, love is crazy but thinking about this special person is enough to keep you sane.
There are really sweet things and moments that come with loving somebody.
Have you ever been with a special person and felt like the world should be on pause and it should just be you both living, walking, and doing things together?
I mean! The moment and fun shouldn’t end.
You want to see this person every day, hear them laugh, be their peace, support, and everything.
But, you know, there are days when everything seems off and you just want to call it a quit.
You know fully well that you are giving your partner mixed signals. Somedays, you are in, and on the other days, you are out.
The sad part is, you do not know why you are like this. I recall a lady asking for the possible cause of her actions.
She was in love with her partner for some days, and suddenly she will notice a switch, and then she is in love- and this love-hate cycle continuously occurs.
There was a constant fluctuation. She felt like she had a psychological disorder, maybe, she was bipolar. The good thing is they always found ways to sort themselves out.
But, is it really possible to have intense love feelings for someone and still hate this person?
Let’s better understand what a love-hate relationship is.
What is a love-hate relationship?
Sometimes, relationships trigger butterflies in your tummy and at times, triggers worms in your tummy.
Love-hate relationships are super intense with heightened emotions. You seem to be pulled to an individual like it were a magnet and then, this force of attraction minimizes.
At this point, fights and arguments could take place, and hatred sets in, but it doesn’t last because you love this person, regardless!
You love their company but hate their actions or behaviors. Truth is, you expect a different attitude or action from your partner that you are not getting at all.
When these expectations in your head are not played out, you begin to hate your partners’ actions and not them, per se.
See, no matter how your love-hate relationship plays out, it always revolves around the same thing which is intense love plus hate, anger or even disgust.
With all of these, there is still a great desire for things to change, go back to normal, and be with this special person.
So, when are you in a love-hate relationship?
Know that normal fights and quarrels do not signify a love-hate relationship.
You are in a love-hate relationship when feelings of anger, disgust, little bits of disagreement, and argument occurs more often than normal.
When all of these happens, you do not conclude on breaking up rather you are still in love. Isn’t this crazy?
It is. This is because most couples think of breaking up whenever there is a quarrel or fight but couples in a love-hate relationship love themselves more and are inseparable after the fights.
In fact, each individual may feel reluctant and skeptical about breaking up.
In a love-hate relationship, there is a continuous fluctuation of emotions, both love and hate are conflicting.
Therefore, a love-hate relationship is a situation where a person switches between intense feelings of hatred and love for their partner.
Sometimes, a love-hate relationship is a relationship where partners are deeply in love but are terrible with expressing through words or actions. And as a result, they are “in love” sometimes and other times, feel “resentment and little hate”.
Signs you are in a love-hate relationship.
You know you love your partner, but there are times when you cannot stand them yet you do not know if it’s a love-hate relationship.
Study this article to understand what sort of relationship you are dealing with. Is it healthy for you or not?
The relationship is always on and off:
It’s no longer new when you and your partner often go on breaks and always resolve the issue.
Have you noticed that you both break up twice every month? At times, there are breakup threats and intense arguments.
Couples who constantly argue, fight and feel resentment towards each other either break up or fix the issue, work on themselves and never go back to it.
It’s really crazy if you and your partner go on and off (break up and makeup) constantly and instead of breaking up or fixing the issue once and for all.
You kiss and make up like nothing never happened. And this cycle continues.
You should sit back and reflect on what is going on with the relationship.
Where it’s going to and most importantly, what it is doing to you.
Is this breakup and makeup cycle good for your mental, emotional, social, physical health and overall wellbeing? We are sure you have already answered this question……
You are always looking out for the next turn off:
Quite true right? Now, this is about you and not your partner.
Have you noticed that even when things are really going well between you both, you know that it’s going to get really bad again?
Yes, you love them so much but there is really something about them that turns you off completely and triggers intense feelings of hate.
When this bad side of them comes up, you begin to drift away. You haven’t really come to terms with who or what they are because you are not ready to accept it.
Your relationship is unstable, really, it is.
When it’s good with you, you tend to love your partner so much and when it gets bad, you drift away and hate them.
So, you feel insecure because you know a part of them you do not like or accept will resurface soon.
Complaining to your friends have become a pattern:
We hear most of our friends complain to us about their partners.
“I don’t know what to do with him/her anymore”
“what do you think about his/her attitude towards a particular thing”
“the other day, he or she did this and …
The complaints become continuous. If you constantly complain to your friends about your partner, then you are in a love-hate relationship.
I remember when I used to complain to my friends about my partner’s attitude.
Yes, I loved him but there were days when I hated and resented him. I couldn’t figure or fix it, and I couldn’t leave the relationship either because I was in love. So, I was always complaining.
You keep complaining because you think you can’t escape. Well, complaining about something means you are uncomfortable and unhappy with it. A love-hate relationship isn’t healthy for you.
You know it is bad for you:
You have been thinking about your relationship lately and honestly, you know it’s bad for you.
It is really affecting you and your life. You know it’s not working and the relationship is not going anywhere. You really feel helpless.
You know you are in love and you begin to question why and even hate the fact that you do.
If you feel this way, you are in a love-hate relationship
You are caught between admiration and disgust:
And by this, I mean you cannot stop thinking about them, admiring and adoring them yet, you cannot stand them or want to have anything to do with them.
You are constantly fighting a mind battle.
One second, they are in your head and you really think about them or even want to hear from them- the love phase.
The next second, you hate the way they make you feel, or even hate something about them- now, that’s the hate phase.
Anyways, you cannot deny the fact that they occupy your mind and are the object of your thoughts every time. This constant battle between love and hate, in your mind, is unhealthy for you. It can be mentally exhausting.
Your relationship is visionless:
You and your partner are clueless as to what the visions for your relationship should be.
What you and your partner do is break up and make up every time. No understanding, plans, and all of that but you both claim to be in love.
The constant switch in your relationship is responsible for why there is no vision.
You do not know what to give, expect and receive. There is no time to help each other. The relevant time available is what you both use to break up and make up.
This is a total waste of time and this always has a way of messing with your plans.
Other signs you are in a love-hate relationship includes:
- Presence of emotional insecurities in the relationship since there is a lack of emotional understanding.
As a result, you and your partner cannot fix issues that may occur.
- Your partner’s actions or behaviors frustrate you and since you are caught in the web of love and hate.
You become confused about whether to leave or stay.
- You are in love with your partner and since you cannot leave, you want to change them to how it best suits you.
This is because you want to stop the hate and anger that occurs when you notice something about them that turns you off.
Can I fix a love-hate relationship?
Yes, it’s possible to fix a love-hate relationship. Read on to know how to fix a love-hate relationship.
Respect your own boundaries:
In cases where you are abused or maltreated, we all know that it’s impossible to still stay in such a relationship. We always advise you to leave an abusive relationship.
But, if it’s a love-hate relationship, you have to state your boundaries to your partners. Open up and let them in on your interests, needs, dislikes, wants, etc.
Also, take time to listen to their interests and dislikes. You both should have deep conversations on boundaries. If they are willing to flow and you are willing to do the same, then stay.
But if you both think you can’t handle it anymore, the relationship can end for good.
Always deal with the root cause:
It’s never going to get better unless you find the root cause and deal with it.
After arguments, trace what the cause of the argument was and carefully think of ways you could avoid such.
I know during arguments, feelings are hurt. Anger is lashed out and words are spilled mistakenly but, to avoid these emotions having bad effects on your relationship. Study yourselves and deal with the root cause.
Open your mind and heart to the good sides:
It may be hard to want to focus on the good sides. You have to try to overlook your partner’s flaws and focus on their perfections and positive attitudes.
Accept that no one, not even you or your partner is perfect.
A love-hate relationship is unhealthy and this kind of relationship blinds you from seeing and being part of the healthy perspective of your relationship.
If you decide to focus on the good sides, your relationship will grow, with no mental or emotional exhaustion and you will be happy.
Work on yourself:
Build yourself and get rid of bad traits that may affect your relationship. Instead of thinking about how much you love and hate your partner, think of ways to spend time with your partner.
Stop chasing perfection. Kill pride and insecurity.
Always let things go but do not forget to create boundaries. Let your love for your partner be greater than hate.
A love-hate relationship is crazy and frustrating. The constant cycle of love and hate is terrible but we have formulated ways to help you cope with it as mentioned above.
True love isn’t selfish or confused. You shouldn’t be in a love-hate relationship if you truly love your partner.
If after reading this article, you notice you are in a love-hate relationship, follow the steps in this article to fix it.
Fix it till there is no more hate. It’s not just about making the relationship better, it’s also about being a better you.
A better you will genuinely love, appreciate, accept and respect your relationship. And with this, you can create a healthy relationship with your partner.